How’s about we get literal this week and do exactly what it says on the tin: I’m taking this column back to (one of) its etymological roots with a look at a few of the greatest B-list films I’ve ever enjoyed.
But first, a crash course for the uninitiated. What do I mean by “B-list?”
Well, we all know an A-list actor when we see one – I’m talking the Tom Hanks, the Julia Roberts, the Denzel Washingtons. The actors whose names are in 48-point font on the posters, who rake in the multi-million dollar paychecks. The kings and queens of Hollywood.
But there are plenty of actors who aren’t such household names, ones who make a living by carving out careers in less hallowed echelons of film, who aren’t afraid to spend their days covered in Karo syrup-based blood or reciting hammy dialogue. They star in the stuff that develops cult followings, the movies regularly shown at drive-ins or on midnight billings.
These are the B-listers, and their films are directed by the likes of Ed Wood, John Waters, Tommy Wiseau. Their movies end up on “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ and its spin-off “RiffTrax,” or are introduced by Elvira.
The budgets? Shoestring.
The special effects? Mostly courtesy of the craft services table.
Now, there are a couple different kinds of movies that fall under the “B-list” heading. There are the movies that have genuinely solid concepts and scripts, a passionate director and a hard-working cast, but are limited by their budget and filming schedule (as was the case with producer Val Lewton’s films for RKO Pictures).
There are the movies that were well received when released, but have become ridiculous or badly dated thanks to the passage of time and progression of special effects (see: “This Island Earth”).
Then there are the indie films that know they’re silly or gross or bizarre and lean heavily into that without apology (like Peter Jackson’s “Bad Taste,” or any of John Waters’ fare).
And finally there’s the real dreck: the blatant ripoffs; the rapidly churned out/made-for-TV trash; the unholy combination of bad storytelling, atrocious acting, painful dialogue and wince-inducing production values (I’m looking directly at you, Uwe Boll).
I won’t waste my breath – or your time – on any of that last sub-category. But if you’re tired of productions so slick they verge on the Uncanny Valley, or perfectly sculpted actors with brilliantly bleached teeth, or predictable blockbusters that drag on for three hours, I suggest it’s time for a B-movie palate cleanser. Something weird and strange, with charmingly unpolished cinematography and a whimsical DIY attitude when it comes to special effects, something like:
1. “The Evil Dead” (1981)
Director/writer Sam Raimi may’ve gone on to bigger, arguably better things since this debut. He may now be one of the biggest names in horror. But his first film remains such a wild lil’ gem of a schlocker.
It’s a plot setup that’s since become cliché: A group of college kids go to a remote cabin in the woods for a weekend of partying, only to fall victim to malicious supernatural forces (the demonic Deadites). Unlikely hero Ash (B-movie king, and best chin in the biz, Bruce Campbell) must fight off nasty trees and his possessed friends if he wants to see the next sunrise.
“Evil Dead” spawned a franchise, as well as plenty of imitators, thanks to Campbell’s enthusiastic performance (the man put his whole backside into this), some literally eye-popping special effects that relied heavily on cottage cheese and glass contacts and Raimi’s now signature “vas-o-cam” and “shaky cam” cinematography.
2. “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” (2001)
So Jesus returns to Earth, cuts his hair, and starts using his kung-fu skills (because everyone knows Jesus is a martial arts master, yeah?) to fight vicious vampires, who are attacking lesbians in order to steal their skin so they can walk around in sunlight.
Oh, and Mexican wrestler El Santo is there, too.
And did I mention this was a musical?
Some find this comedy/horror/musical to be blasphemous, but there’s nothing mean-spirited about this low-budge Canadian offering. Clearly, the people who made it were laughing every time the cameras stopped rolling. And I’d like to believe that “love thy neighbor” Jesus would team up with someone named Mary Magnum and fight tooth-and-stake to defend persecuted lesbians.
3. “The VelociPastor” (2017)
Let’s get all of the sacrilegious fun out of the way now: This one should be pretty self-explanatory from the title but, yeah, it’s about a pastor who turns into a velociraptor.
It’s one of those tales that’s as old as time — boy’s parents are murdered, he becomes a Roman-Catholic priest, he takes a trip to China and is infected by a “Dragon Warrior” artifact, so he decides to use his new dinosaur shape-shifting powers to fight crime.
“VelociPastor” was a hit meme online the moment its title was announced, and the truly bonkers plot somehow manages to live up to the hype (I didn’t even mention the cocaine ninjas). Sometimes you just need a movie that’s balls-to-the-wall weird, and this is it.
4. “I Walked With a Zombie” (1943)
This is “Jane Eyre,” in the Caribbean, with zombies.
Yup, that about sums it up. “Zombie” was made with an almost non-existent budget, in just a couple of weeks, as part of producer Val Lewton’s series of films for RKO Pictures. It features downright gorgeous cinematography, a phenomenal use of shadows and lighting and a soundtrack that gets right down into your bones.
The gothic romance and themes of obsession are interwoven around powerful depictions of Haitian Vodou and slavery, but the film’s greatest legacy is Carrefour (Darby Jones), one of the most striking and memorable zombies in all of cinema.
5. “The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra” (2001)
In this hysterical send-up to the goofy sci-fi flicks of the 1950s and 1960s, a scientist and his wife head into the mountains in search of a meteorite. At the same time, a rival scientist is searching for the fabled Cadavra Cave (rumored to hold the “Lost Skeleton”). Oh, and then a pair of aliens crash-land, and their pet mutant escapes and starts mutilating farmers.
Filmed in black and white and intentionally performed in the stilted style of the ‘50s, with several actors affecting Transatlantic accents, “Cadavra” is truly a scream. The aliens are named KRO-BAR and LATTIS, for God’s sake. Four animals are transformed into a woman and she keeps trying to groom herself. The skeleton literally screams all of his lines, and is the only one who sounds like a modern person, which only adds to the hilarity.
“Cadavra” is proof that parody can be the sincerest form of flattery, and anyone who enjoys “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ – or B-list fare in general – is sure to love it.
- ANGIE BARRY is a contributing columnist for Shaw Media. To suggest future topics for The B-List, which covers topics in pop culture, history and literature, contact her at newsroom@mywebtimes.com.
